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Thinking of ways to go... 7:56pm 29/04/20

Have you ever wandered around your house to work out ways you can end it?

While your in that numb dazed kinda zone. You know the one I mean, it doesn't feel like you, you don't feel happy or sad or even angry. There's literally a feeling of nothing.

You don't have any beams or anything high enough around to hang yourself and knowing your luck it wouldn't break your neck on impact anyway, you would probably just stay there thinking "well your screwed that up now your just going to die slow painful and honestly kinda bored."

Have a shower with the toaster? Then you would have to spend money on an extension cord because theres no powerpoints close enough and then you would have to make a day out of it before it happened. But again, you start thinking "knowing my luck the whole building would short circuit or it wouldn't work and id end up a twitching mess in an institution. Besides that s**t would be painful..."

Pop a bunch of sleeping pills? That seems good, go to the chemist grab a box every few days or try go to a few in a day to get enough. Sit down with that bottle of jacks and take shots with each tablet until your simply fall asleep and drift into peace. Seems to be the least painful way to go and you get to have one last drink before it happens... Whoops theres that voice again "That's a pricey way to end things and again knowing your luck you will end up throwing up before it can take effect anyway defeating the purpose. Either that or you will end up brain dead from it in a hospital bed having people look after you constantly. Lets not, also stupid famous people have made it harder to OD on pain killers and sleeping pills now anyway so chances are it wont work."

Wrist slitting? Blood loss slowly, pass out and that'll be it yeah? Turns out you only pass out for a little while and then you end up getting stiff and convulsing. Your organs shut down slowly and apparently is a very painful process. "Nope not that way either and besides that is a lot of mess to clean up and really wouldn't be great if family or friend saw you like that"

The thoughts keep coming, you want it to be painless and as little confronting to your family as possible. Even if you don't want to do it right away, do the thoughts of suicide and self harm make you feel like your at ease. Peaceful, like you can breathe and feel so calm. It's almost euphoric. But you wont follow through with anything, deep down you know in your heart that by taking your own life you wont end your pain, you will simply transfer it to the ones your leaving behind. If your taking your life because of these demons you know damn well how hard it is to keep them at bay so why pass them onto the ones you love?

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