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There is no battle... 7:16pm 29/04/20

Sitting in isolation can be relaxing some days, eating junk food, watching everything on Netflix and listening to the rain and thunder outside. Sometimes it can be the opposite though. Sometimes that dark cloud and thunderstorm isn't outside, sometimes its inside... inside you. The raindrops in your head that are falling turn to tears running down your cheek. The thunder turns into the voice of the demons taking over and screaming at you. You just sit and stare at one place, its like your frozen, motionless and lifeless. Just an empty shell. The room falls silent like the TV is suddenly muted but its in your head. The evil residing in your head likes to make you think the world has stopped. That there can be such a thing as perfect silence.

Your mind begins to go into over drive. Every negative thing that has ever happened to you in your life begins to play like a movie in your mind. That time when you were 6 and that man touched you, the time when you were about 12 and first loved a boy but she stole him, that time on your 14th birthday when he laid hands on your mum like countless times before. Then the time you thought you could help him, save him from his own demons but yet abandoned you at 18. When you were 20 and your sister gets the kids taken away from her and you are stuck, confused and hurt. Nothing you could or could've done to protect them but you still blame yourself. 22 he makes his way back into your life and you think you can trust him again but yet abandons you again, this time you wish he was dead. 24 meet the sperm donor father who also abandoned you at the age of 18 months. A sad, sick, worthless man who beat her ass well. She sure knows how to pick them huh? Then the last thing that f**ked you up. Losing the one you wanted to marry because you were an idiot!

The demons of your own are awake now and mocking you as the tears are still falling. Its like your sitting in a dark room now. No lights, TV off, nothing but the evil snarls and laughter from them. Stalking your thoughts, all of them. Suddenly it stops. Everything stops. Pitch darkness. Silence and the tears stop, you feel numb and hollow, dazed and like your no longer in charge of your own self.

"Do you see it?" The deep whisper moves close to your ear but you don't flinch. You know what it is. Close your eyes and relish in the somehow soothing, comforting even. "Take the breath, pick it up. Feel the metal, the cold against your skin and then the warmth. It can all be over."

Your eyes slowly open and the blade has already gone over your wrist. They lied, it was never your choice to give up or fight. It was always theirs. They will take you when they want. Its over you will never escape them until they take you... Its just a matter of when.

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