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The realisation... 1:28pm 9/05/20

Does your depression ever get too intense and the thoughts start to get too intense to ignore the urges of hurting yourself?

The dreams of your ex just keep coming to the point that you no longer want to fall asleep because you don't want to keep reliving the memory of her but staying awake makes you think of her too

You sit here playing stupid games on your phone to distract yourself while re-watching all the DVDs you own till you cant take it anymore

You just binge eat and fall asleep on the couch while the demons in your head just keep encouraging you to do things that aren't such a good idea. The house is a mess the washing wont dry because its nothing but dark clouds in your head as well as outside, the dishes piling up and so does the dirty laundry

You decide you need to leave, get away for a night. Turns out a night becomes 6 and you still don't want to go back home. You want to stay there but at the same time you cant wait to get home to your own bed.

The demons haven't been so loud while your away, its like a whole weight has been lifted off you. The further away you get the weight just lifts more and more. The weight has gone, your singing to your music and smiling. Feeling so care free and happy.

Demons are quieter and there haven't been any thoughts of her at all. Finally! You've forgotten what this feeling is. This is the feeling that you have been needing and missing for so long, your going on actual dates and contemplating if there's actually a future for you again.

Feel positive, laughing, opening up to your mum and aunty which you never thought was possible.

But your out of your medication and have to go.

The closer you get to your house the weight returns and the demons snicker and laugh from the darkness that's from within. Mocking, reminding you that your going back to the house you got together, into the house with everything set up the way it was when you moved in.

The sick feeling and the pressure on your chest is there, eyes watering and breathing becomes more difficult and intense. You knew you needed to leave this place but you had never realised how badly it makes you feel. Reliving everything again and again.

Asking your friends what they think of you leaving and they all say its the best thing for you and to do what makes you happy. Not to worry about what anyone else wants or thinks but what if I lose them?

There are so many more pros than cons to moving away but the thought of leaving my friends and my little nephew I get that sinking feeling. The memory of the carefree feeling I had before I returned seems so distant even though it was literally this time yesterday you got home.

That's it I think I've made my choice, its about time I did something for myself and made me happy. There's officially nothing to keep me here anymore

I'm done, I'm leaving...

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