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Reflecting... 12:47am 25/04/20

Uploading all of these poems and things I've written over the years has made me so sad. I see the pain that I caused Ava over the years but I've also seen the happiness. We have both hurt each other and both made each other incredibly happy. Although most of these are sad poems and stuff about the sad painful times I cant help but feel a massive appreciation for Ava.

She put up with my million mood swings daily, she cuddled me when I was down, she praised me when I began my career as a chef. She supported me when I had no job, she made my birthdays the best I've ever had. She cooked for me and cleaned while I was at work from 9am to 10pm, she always made sure I had a clean uniform and she always took my pain away. She knew everything about me, even the most dark twisted thoughts I had she was there to brighten them and help take them away. She didn't realise it but she chassed away my demons in my head and stopped my need for self harm. She convinced me to go see a therapist and get a mental health plan for myself going. I don't know how any one woman can do all of this and still be the happiest most kind person in the world but she managed it! She could light up any room she walked into with that smile and dorky laugh.

She was my best friend for years before we got together and that's what sucks about this break up. She has since moved on and I couldn't be happier for her. I wish her nothing but good health and all the happiness this world has to offer. If I'm no longer what makes her happy I'm glad she has found someone who does. I know I hurt her and we had nothing but ups and downs but there is no one in this world that I have ever loved more than her.

Its not that I want her back as my girl I just want her back as my best friend. Having no contact with her whatsoever is the one thing that kills me the most. I need her in my life one way or another. I understand this isn't the best time for her right now beginning a new relationship to have her ex hanging around messaging her occasionally. Its just hard when your heart broken and all you want to do is talk to your best friend but that best friend has blocked you in every way shape or form.

I just want to say that I miss her. ALOT! and I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you over the years and the tears you have cried because of me. But I also want to thank her for everything she has done for me and taught me. 4 years has gone so fast and its a shame it had to end but she is truly an amazing person and has helped me grow so much from having her in my life. I sincerely don't think I would've made it this far in life without her by my side fighting off the demons in my head.

Your amazing Ava and I love you (friend) I hope we can talk soon xxx

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