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Listen to the song “Lucid Dreams” by Juice WRLD (everything I feel) 9:03pm 10/07/20

The last week or two have been amazing as you guys know, I have had a new boy in my life. We have had our moments and there has been times I’ve questioned if I’m ready for this and honestly, I really don’t know. I’ve been happy and have taken the mask off with him which no one has ever accomplished before. It’s amazed me how quickly I’ve let myself feel happy but just like every other time I feel like I’m ok something goes wrong that reminds me of her and how she completely abandoned me. She told me she wanted to stay friends, I needed her. She knew everything about me, every secret, all about my psychologist, my anti-depressants, the drinking and illicit drug use. Who knew that was all lies, I know that she needed time, but she still controlled everything? Taking my blog down, changing the name of it, called me whenever she wanted something from me. I tried to help her with her addiction and never wanted to abandon her. She left me alone and stranded with no one and nothing. When I needed her the most, she abandoned me fully. Dropped off the face of the earth and the dark just keeps embracing me. The comfort coming from the demons in my head sitting but my side sharing the booze and drugs till the pain subsides and turns to laughter again. Or at least the wall I put up to deal with it.

The dreams have returned of her, every time everything is good and feeling positive. When I wake from them im numb. Senseless. Crushed inside and the dagger of what's left of my heart drives in deeper and another piece of me simply dies. The last month since I've made friends with the demons in my head have turned me to a hypocrite. I try to set my nephew on the right path, but I find myself falling into the drugs and alcohol again. I’m closing off again, I don’t want to feel anything and sometimes I don’t. But lately the demons don’t taunt, they simply hand me the instrument necessary and watch as the tears fall in sync with the droplets of water from the shower.

The release comes, closing my eyes as I sit on the floor feeling the warmth on my face washing away the tears and in that moment it's like it all stops. Embracing the trickles of water mixed with tears lowering my head slowly my eyes open as the ever so slight red tinge swirls around before going down the drain. The shower has become my sanctuary, my bliss, my emotional yet emotionless sense of warmth and peace.

I thought she was the one, I wanted her to be the mother of my children and move away. I was going to buy her a ring. How do I deal with this? Every time I think I'm ok she pops back up and the waves of emotion begin again. I go quiet, close off from everyone. I know I have a lot to live for but at the same time my heart doesn’t want to keep beating. The las 9 months it hasn’t been beating at all and now I’ve been with Dean its begun to start beating again. Hasn’t been fully beating but I feel it more often now. It's very slow, faint and shallow but it beats. He accepts me, but at the same time it's not fair on him to have to help me get past the past. He is my present and future why is it his job to help me heal, it's unfair and I know it. He wants me to communicate but I can't bring myself to, I don’t want to push him away, but closing off will push him away.

5 new lines added to my body in a month. Just like a tattoo they all have meaning; all have a story. Do I want to remember things? Is it a release or a reminder? Every scar, every moment, remembering it all. For now as much as you guys may think I'm stupid for falling back after being so positive I think this is the way I know how to deal and being with Dean and him not judging for how I deal helps me. The demons don’t taunt or laugh anymore since I've embraced them, and I may be in my dark place for now again but please don’t worry. I have Dean and he will never let me get to the darkest place of ending it all, where I was before. I may be marked and in the dark but there's a pin hole of light in this darkness that keeps me going and supports me.

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