Just thoughts... 24/04/2020
Do you ever get that sinking feeling in your heart when you think of that person?
Those butterflies turn into these sick empty pits in your stomach?
Your eyes that were filled with admiration, love and hope suddenly begin to feel like puffy stinging needles of despair and loss?
How about your mood, you go from being the happiest person within yourself you have ever been. You begin to think the demons in your head have gone for good this time... You should've known better.
Do you ever feel as though there's a blade slowly sinking into your chest, right where her head used to be as she slept?
The feeling of weakness like all of your strength and will to keep going has been abandoned?
All things positive slowly deteriorating until she says the words you never wanted to hear come out of her mouth... "I cant do this anymore".
Suddenly you feel numb. Vulnerable. Like your standing in the bathroom naked as she looks at you with tears filling her eyes.
The only words you can muster is "I know".
Just like that all your worst fears of losing the one happy thing in your life becomes a reality.
You tell each other your ok and you will get through it together. She's your best friend... She wont leave you alone, would she?
When you think your ok and you will survive this together she says the words you have been waiting for, the thing you have been dreading that comes next...
"I'm seeing someone new, I cant be friends right now. We need space to move on and I need my new girl to feel confident in our relationship. So this is goodbye for now, not forever"
There's the pain in your chest again, the stinging in your eyes, the sick empty pits you've been working so hard trying to fill. All of it comes flooding back.
You tell her "I understand" through your sobs, trying to hide how your feeling.
Deleted off Facebook, her Instagram, her snapchat and even your phone number. No more contact.
Have you ever been through a break up without a best friend to talk to?
She thinks she's protecting you and helping you move on but in reality its one of the worst feelings of pain you have ever experienced.
She's forgotten you. Your alone. Stuck in the house you got together. Memories constantly circling you. Not having any contact is the worst feeling I've known and I thought the break up was the only hurt I would endure from this.
Who knew not having her in my life at all would destroy me like this?
I'm slowly losing the will to fight...