Last night I had a dream.
The dream that I had once hoped i could do to myself,
the kind that ended it all.
Sweet release of peace, end the suffering,
give in to the demons in my head and just let the last breath escape effortlessly between my lips.
Send the pain away, relax forever into the never ending bliss.
It never really occurred to me that anyone would care.
People told me they would but I never allowed myself to believe it.
The desperate need to end the suffering of my own pain, my own sadness.
Falling asleep for all eternity, no way to dream, communicate or feel anything.
The ultimate peace, nothingness
Catering for a wake of a kid 19 who hung himself opened my eyes a little more last year.
The hurt and suffering passed onto those who are left behind.
The feeling of the bliss and release of pain can cloud judgement for sure.
Over powers you until you are engulfed in the tingling light feeling that becomes the death of a mortal body moving into happiness.
Last night the experience of having someone kill themselves and me be the one left here was the worst feeling.
Angry, helpless, the pure pain of feeling as though I didn't do enough to save him.
The anguish, dark clouds of guilt looming and spilling all over me.
Drenching me in the metaphoric rain.
The questions and feelings id never considered of those who would still have to scrape through their day to day life
All that pressure, questions and weight, every bit of it I feel passed onto others rather than it just ending.
How could he do this to me?
What more could I have done?
How could I have not seen it getting to this point?
Opening my eyes at 3am the feeling I had was indescribable
Coming from someone who battles these demons on a daily basis feeling worse from a dream than anything depression throws at me was painful in the least.
Feeling lost, disorientated, at my wits end unable to deal with the hurt and sorrow deep within me from a simple dream.
Stunned the tears falling like boulders crashing down a rocky mountain side,
Crashing into the pillow, sobs becoming heavier, choking on emotions tearing at my heart.
I never thought a dream could make me this broken, this emotional and worked up.
It definitely goes to show that when depression strikes and you feel like giving up, always keep fighting and remember when you take your on life it doesn't end the pain and suffering it only transfers it to others. Don't let someone else carry the same weight you have, remember the feeling you feel, don't make others keep the circle going.