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Disappointing heartbreak... 7:23am 21/05/20

This morning I opened my eyes and was heart broken in an instant... The past few days without a license in isolation has been tough. As much as I've been putting on a happy face and trying to see the positives, the dark clouds have been rolling in and things aren't great after all. I've closed off from social media, avoid messaging people and talking. I feel like I've gone backwards rather than forward. Its like I've left the window open to my life and I'm sitting in the corner while a whirl wind is headed straight for me. My whole world is going crazy my head spinning and the demons taunt. You should have known that you cant save everyone. You can barely save yourself let alone try saving someone else. It's so dark here, nothing but tears streaming down your face pooling in a puddle on the floor. Its like I want to be alone constantly. I want the demons in my head to take over, I want to embrace being numb feeling, embrace the darkness that surrounds me. Give in and stay on the floor right where you belong; staring blankly into the darkness while the monsters dance they know they’ve won. They have you right where they want you. The ones you were trying to protect and save from this abyss is exactly the thing that will tip you over the edge. Pulling yourself up from the pathetic miserable ball on the floor the worst demon in your head stalks toward you with that grin, that evil soul shattering grin and hands you the blade. It lets out that menacing laugh that mocks you, that flaunts its success as you take the blade in your fingers and lightly trace your skin. Looking up at it, it nods at you with a proud look. Your eyes and hands close tightly allowing the slow drips of warmth from your hand emerge from your palm. There is no escape, that is it. They finally broke you. Removing the reddened blade you glance up at the chanting shadows dancing around the room, take a breath and stare as you push the blade into your wrist and slice. It’s deeper this time, you know your not going to wake up this time. Slowly your breath eases from your body, eyes weakly looking at the flow of blood gushing from your arm. The laughter is amplified as your body drifts into the darkness further and further until the breaths begin the get shallower and body weaker. Eyes close and with the last breath you mutter, "I'm sorry I couldn't save you".

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