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Cant sleep... 3:28am 28/04/20

Do you ever get upset at yourself for feeling a certain way?

Like you have a choice of what comes to mind when the rest of the world is asleep?

Do you start over thinking it again?

Start with all the stupid questions and replaying moments like if you change the out come or change something in the situation the end result could be different?

Like maybe one particular morning you didn't have your coffee like usual so you didn't spend that 5 minutes extra at home which could've prevented what happened.

What if you start thinking about things that could happen, maybe you have a test coming up next week and you think your going to do really well and are super positive you will pass but after the results weren't what you were hoping?

Feels pretty s**t huh?

Do you ever just sit there and hope that a situation will improve even though you know it wont and you still get mad and hurt by the out come anyway?

Sometimes I think hope makes life worse. I meant you have to have hope for things but why set yourself up for fail right?

Why bother trying to make yourself feel better by thinking about something that is unlikely in a situation and deep down you know it wont work but its human nature, we have to hope... its unavoidable

How about when that "hope" comes crashing down like you deep down knew it would?

How do you feel then?

You feel worse than before, maybe you were hoping she would leave a note on a bag of stuff that gets dropped off, or even a quick text. You know it wont happen but your still making excuses telling yourself she still cares and isn't heartless.

This thought is driving you nuts, you cant sleep and the demons in your head that have been waking up lately are starting to whisper again.

"You thought you were doing so well and we weren't coming back out, Why did you think your ok?" They're mocking you... Again

The thoughts of suicide and harm keep coming into mind. Your in isolation no one would know you harmed again anyway so may as well right?

Well as much as I want to and as much as I have thought that, there's one thing (apart from writing a silly blog post at stupid o'clock in the morning haha) that keeps stopping me and that's a quote I now love and try so hard to live by

"Suicide and self harm don't stop the pain, it just transfers it."

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